First blog post

So, I like to speak my thoughts. Sometimes, I think I am so insightful that I HAVE to share what I think with everyone, lol. My insightfulness ranges from make up products to poverty. Let’s hope I can reach a few people and hopefully we can share our thoughts and opinions on issues that matter. 

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Vent

So born and brought up in Hong Kong, married in the States to now living with two kids and my spouse in Mumbai, India – all I do is compare the three.

I try to be positive and put aside a lot of things but now I am at a point of frustration. When I used to watch Hindi movies as a child, I did not think that these problems ‘actually’ occur. I would think ‘it’s just a movie, how can someone be so cruel to another person’. I mean we have been brought up to be honest, loving, caring and compassionate. But then when you come to a country like India, all of this means nothing.

Let me make a list of things that I have experienced which may not be a big deal to many but have actually taken over my life in an extremely negative way. So let’s start:

1) a bank manager has been harrassing me for almost 2.5 years regarding my dad’s death claim. I have gone to the bank over twenty times and everytime I go back, he promises me that it’s the last thing I need to claim my money but that last thing has never come. I have cried, pleaded, fought but he doesn’t care. He blames me all the time. He blames me because he claims I have taken it to easy. I love 1.5 hours away from the bank, I had taken it easy because I was pregnant and traveling back and forth on the roads of Mumbai are a terrible nightmare not forgetting the awful traffic and pollution. So when I was pregnant, after my third month I almost gave up. All this whole, he knew I was pregnant. After having my daughter, I rested for three months and started the back and forth again. I had a lawyer who was trying to help me but gave up because he said the bank manager was extremely difficult. Then I tried by myself which was worse because of course everyone has to take advantage of an NRI girl coming “alone” to the bank. He’s sent me to court for work alone. Most horrible experience of my life with the lecherous men there and so I finally found a competent accountant to help me. Whenever the accountant comes with me to the bank, he says ‘this is normal’. Normal? Seriously. Normal? This is not normal. This is harassment in every way possible. If I was not blessed with sufficient amount of money, I’d be lying down outside the bank begging to let my claim go through. This isn’t normal by any means. I tried to shorten this experience but it’s so tormenting that there is no way to shorten it. This is Syndicate Bank just FYI.

2) Designers – promise A and give you Z. Yes, literally you ask for North you get south. You ask for black you get white. They are so incompetent it is frustrating. They cheat you off your money. They are very good at that.

3) Lying about timing. Like their time is more valuable than anyone else’s time. You say 2, you’ll be lucky if they even come by 3. I’ve tried to go late for occasions like a house party, a gathering, or dance rehearsals and no matter how late I’ve tried to go, I’m always the first one πŸ˜‚. Yeh it’s funny as I type this but seriously, my blood boils mainly because I’m being laughed at for being punctual 🀷.

4) Standing in lines – ok in short, don’t ever bother standing in a line in Mumbai like even in sophisticated places like the airport because you’ll be a joke. You’ll miss your flight πŸ™‚

5) Rickshaws – choosing their passengers based on the destination. First of all, there are millions of rickshaws here but when you desperately need one, no one will agree to take you. When I was pregnant, 5 rickshawwalas refused to take me 10 minutes away. Finally, I ended up swearing and beating this one rickshaw and he had to run off because he got scared. I literally lost my mind.

Yes, if you think I’m crazy writing the above, I probably am.

I’ve been meaning to write this for a while now.

This country has no hope with the poverty and pollution, I don’t see anything good coming out of these people. They refuse to change, they are ignorant and are extremely selfish.

I love my friends and family here though. Won’t find such friends in any part of the world. But I wish that was enough for me to want to live here and riase my children here. My children deserve a better life!

Fear

So, I tend to have loads of fears. And I think because of that at times I don’t let my children breathe.

Firstly, I hate traveling. It’s a nuisance to me. Also because in the airplane there is so much time to think that it freaks me out.

Last weekend I took up the challenge to travel with my son within Mumbai. We went to a farm. I had so much anxiety leaving but I am so glad I managed to overcome that. We slept in tents with out pet dog. We cuddled through the night. There was a bonfire and beautiful stars in the sky. We played uno and snakes and ladders. It was truly amazing. The next morning, we went for a trek with our pet. I was anxious while trekking. Everything went blur for a while. I don’t know, I built the courage and told myself I have to do this. I did it. It was like an experience of a life time. Not only for me but also my pet dog and my son.

Usually when the phones don’t have network, I freak out. I am afraid that there will be bad news and I will not know if it immediately which has happened to me during my mom’s death. But at this camp, I was away from everything for more than 24 hours and it was blissful.

I am really working hard towards conquering my fears. I am chanting a lot and also want to get deeper into spirituality apart from the medicines and counseling.

I want to help myself so I can help my family. I love my family a lot. The anxiety and depression sometimes really takes over and I am just not the same person. I feel lost and unorganised.

Hoping to report victories every month about my ability to conquer my fears.

Next month I travel to Bangkok and again in March I travel. So yes, definitely 3 victories will be reported.

Let’s make this year of victories and gratitude so that I become a more positive and brave human being for myself and my family πŸ™‚

DepressionΒ 

So what is it? I feel like every bloody person is depressed. 

Come to see family, they make you feel like you’re a burden. They are so frustrated with their life that they just don’t want anyone near them or around them. Meet other people, they complain about their illness and how hard life is. Some people, you look at their face and it says ‘fuck off’. Wonder if people were more depressed before and we’re unaware or are they more depressed now but have more awareness. 

In a tedex talk a lady said, don’t take anti depressants coz it reduces the feeling of dopamine in your brain. If that’s the case, there will be less happy people. I think this is a tough one. I’d rather have no feelings everyday than to be happy just once a month and cry for the rest of the days. I hate crying. End of story! 

My thoughts don’t even make sense right now. I just feel unwanted by everyone. Meet people and listen to their struggles and life stories makes me feel like life is only going to get worse. I need to figure it out. Happy may just be a word that pressure everyone but ya fine j don’t want happiness, I want to have no emotions at all. I just want to live my life having no emotions and doing what I enjoy doing. 

No one’s trustworthy. It’s oh so true! Even someone who supports you when you have a depression relapse is actually talking shit about you having depression and making fun of it. It’s a bad fucking world!

Ronka

First of all Congratulations to the newly wedded couple. 

I have been super excited for this day since I heard that my baby sister, Ronica got engaged. But at the same time that feeling of emptiness also hit me. When I first got married and moved to the states, effortlessly she would spend time with me. We baked, played the Xbox dancing games, played scrabble, went for walks and of course our favourite thing to do in the world shopping. In which of course, I’d shop till I’d drop and she would come home with one bag and I’d ask her not to tell mom how much I had shopped and she never did. 

She’s the most amazing Bua. Spends so much time with the kids. Her favourite thing to do is to change their diapers.. just kidding, she would do anything but that so I couldn’t really leave the kids alone with her haha no but she is the most amazing Bua. My kids love her to bits and pieces and likewise, she is extremely patient with them and always wants to know how they are doing and asks for pictures non stop.  

You’ve supported me during my bad days, seen me fall and rise. You’ve really been like my little sister that I never had. I love our relationship. All the memes we tag each other on daily and the psychotic TV shows we message each other about and of course our love for zombies.

Raj, you are very lucky to have this super responsible and independent woman in your life. Please keep her happy. She deserves all the happiness in the world. I wish you both all the best in life. And please start talking about who will be changing the diapers already. Trust me Raj, you’ll thank me for this advice when time comes. 

Back in the day..

Girls just got married without an ambition. Well, yes, there was an ambition – to get married as soon as possible. Parents also wanted their girls to just get married as a duty of theirs that they had to get over with. They saved money and collected jewels for years for their girls just so that they had enough to give them on their big day without feeling ashamed. 
Nowadays, it’s so different and rightfully so. I speak to mom’s and they say ‘we want our girls to first have a career’. Yes, girls have to have a career first before they get married. We are nothing without anything to back us up. The fear of failing in our generation is always at the back of our head. We want to achieve something but are scared we won’t succeed because we did manage to study but we did not have a career to back us up. But now, parents want their girls to have a stable career. If their husband decides to leave them, at least they can stand on their two feet. Of course, there are tons of exceptions in both cases but it’s always better to prepare your child than to just throw them into an unknown world giving them high hopes that ‘oh, after marriage things are amazing’ ok like mom, you’re life wasn’t perfect, why would mine be?’ but mom’s give hope to their girls that there is something better out there. Something better than the hell of a life that they are living. Something more spectacular. 

But no mom no, there is nothing. We are have our own struggles and I wish you were alive to listen to me, to help me, to guide me but instead you decided to leave me and go to heaven and here is am all confused on how to raise my children. I have turned into an overprotective mother who just can’t see her children grow because once they grow, they will not want me. But I want you, always have and always will because you aren’t here for me. Why am I left alone? 

All types of people

Sometimes, waiting for people when they are late is a good thing. You get to spend time by yourself and reflect on life. Everyone says be kind to other people as they may have issues in their life they are dealing with and we need to be emphathetic. This thought has been playing on my mind for the longest time. I have been trying to understand where people come from and why they behave in ways which we may not understand. So here are a few people I have come across that I’d like to share. So those who are always thinking about themselves can actually open their eyes and stop judging.

Everyone tells me that I can speak to anybody under the sun. This person is weird and how and why do I speak to them. But you know what, everyone has a story. Everyone! I just cannot and do not judge anyone. If I am not comfortable, I keep my distance. But no, I won’t judge at any cost. All, literally all types of people make the world. Better to accept that than to find flaws and spread negativity.

Person A:

Bubbly lively soul. Suddenly distances herself from her peers. She also doesn’t understand why. Everyone thinks ‘Ok. What a weirdo.’ She looked deeper. Why isn’t she enjoying life or laughing like others do. She can’t work, hides herself in a blanket. When and if she can, she moves out and gets work done and when she can’t she doesn’t brush or shower. If she has to step out, on certain days, she looks like a complete disaster. Why so?

She had been molested as a child by her uncle and cousin. She’s lost and confused. Did this happen to anyone else or was it just her?

Answer is yes, this has happened to Person B. Person B who doesn’t like to sleep with her husband. Had trouble conceiving. Always refrained from going to a Gynac or on a holiday alone with her spouse. She’s scared of drunk men. Yes, we all wondered why! All of us. How does someone get scared of a professional or of their own husband?

Turns out, she was molested as a child from an uncle and even a doctor who she went to innocently to get her stomach checked because of food poisoning but he ended up sucking her breasts. She blames her parents for not giving her enough time but not only her because Person C also blames their parents for lots of things.

Person C always blames her mother for just abandoning her as she was the third child. She got no attention from her no matter how much her child tried. So she just would seek it from her friends, boyfriends, husband. She married early in the hope to find that love and affection but because her husband was an introvert, he could not express his love. Few years down the line, she was certain her husband loves her and is crazy about her but by then it was slightly late because she had already developed mental illnesses – depression and anxiety. But no.. it was not only her. Her building neighbour’s daughter would come to learn Math from her.

Person D would come to learn but was very distracted and spaced out. Person C decided to inform her mother. Her mother observed thoroughly and realised her daughter was facing some difficulty. Turns out she was bipolar. A thirteen year old was going through a crazy turmoil. Apart from being confused, she thought that suicide was normal and every thirteen year old does it.

So yes, people who do not know their stories may judge. But these four people came into my life as a blessing to make me realise that we need to be compassionate. No one’s weird, awkward, strange! Imagine if we all were compassionate how beautiful this world would be πŸ™‚

Nazar – evil eye

Does it even exist? Well.. I used to drink like a fish and now I don’t even like the taste. I never believed in Nazar until last night πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ I am going to keep trying. Ain’t giving up on my liquor.. I will prove Nazar wrong 😜